


death doesn't discriminate

by rowena24



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fix-It, M/M, Sappy as fuck, Suicidal Ideation, ash doesn't die but it's a close call, canon? i don't know her, disclaimer that i know nothing about the geography of new york, moderate depictions of a person bleeding out, set in the 80's manga timeline because everything is a lot more dramatic if cell phones don't exist, the rom-com ending that they deserve
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-12
Updated: 2019-01-12
Packaged: 2019-10-08 05:41:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17380673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rowena24/pseuds/rowena24
Summary: Eiji rounds the corner and his worst fears are confirmed. In the alley straight ahead, Lao, Sing’s older brother, is locked in an embrace of death with a very familiar head of blond hair. It makes Eiji wish for a gun in that moment, even though Lao probably is done for already. He wants to hurt whoever hurt Ash so fiercely that it should scare him.alternatively, in which Eiji Okumura does not get on the goddamn plane.





	death doesn't discriminate

Eiji sits in the airport terminal clutching his boarding pass, staring vacantly out the window. They should be calling his flight group to line up in a few minutes. Ibe is on his right, faintly dozing. Max, Jessica, and Charlie departed before the two of them went through security. To his left, a mother bounces a baby in her arms.

What the hell is he doing here?

He knows he has to return to Japan. He promised his mother, after all, that he would return home and be a good son, let his wounds heal with his family to take care of him. He knows he’s driven them half mad by turning a two-week trip to America into over a year. They don’t even know most of what’s happened to him. And with the way they freaked out over Jessica’s hastily constructed mugging story regarding his gunshot wound, he isn’t sure how he would even begin to tell them. Let alone make them understand why he stayed, choosing to put himself in life-threatening danger.

How can you explain Ash Lynx to someone that’s never met him?

His sister, perhaps, would understand. She’d get that teasing twinkle in her eye and see right through him. “And I thought I was boy crazy,” he can hear her saying. “Looks like you’re just plain crazy, big brother.”

He is crazy. Crazy to be sitting here in an airport headed for Japan when the only home he knows or wants anymore is in a certain American boy’s arms. He knew that there was a good chance that Ash wouldn’t show to the airport, in a foolish final attempt to protect him. That’s why he wrote that letter. If he had to leave, he wanted Ash to know that he would always be waiting for him.

Eiji looks over at Ibe peacefully dozing next to him, his mentor who has been waiting so long to get them both back to safety, and he thinks, one of them is just going to have to wait a little bit longer.

“Flight NH9 to Tokyo, Group A now boarding.”

Eiji ignores the flare of pain in his side and Ibe’s confused, half-asleep muttering as he hoists himself out of his chair and hobbles in the opposite direction of the Tokyo terminal. He forces himself to run when the older man shouts, realizing his troublesome assistant is running off once again. He pushes himself through the crowds milling about JFK and ignores their shouts as he cuts through lines and nearly knocks over an old woman to get out. He bursts through the exit, barely even feeling the chill of the October air as he throws himself into the first open taxi he sees idling in front.

“Gee kid, you got a hot date or somethin? Scared me half to death bustin over here like that--”

“125th Street Public Library, sir. Please. Not much time,” he grits out, clutching his side and praying to any god listening that it wouldn’t reopen. He wouldn’t hear the end of it from Ash, let alone Ibe, if he ran back to his friend only to bleed all over him.

“You got it, chief.” The cab driver sounds a little nervous, but this _is_ New York. If anything Eiji had experienced over the past year was an indication, the man had seen far stranger customers than a wounded Japanese kid begging to get to a library on the other side of the city as fast as possible. 

The taxi abruptly pulls into traffic, jostling Eiji, and then speeds off, breaking every traffic law in the crazy way that reminds Eiji why he normally would take the subway. Americans drive so reckless, he had always thought, and that had never worked more in his favor than this moment. He looks out the window and exhales, deep and slow. His breath fogs up the glass, preventing him from getting a glimpse of his haggard reflection.

Eiji is tired of waiting. He was tired of waiting for life to pass him by in Japan, so he came here. He followed Ash without a second thought, but he ended up spending most of his time waiting here, too. Waiting in a safe house for good news, waiting for Ash to tell him where he was going, what was wrong, waiting for Ash to come back from some deadly meeting where he would always be a little more broken afterwards. It broke his heart, but he would never demand from Ash more than he is willing to give. Never. Eiji thinks that he is a patient man, he thinks that Max or Sing or Alex would say so, at least, and he would wait his entire life for Ash if that’s what he thought the other needed.

But this is Ash, beautiful, brave, and hopelessly, stubbornly self-sacrificing. Ash would read his letter and either do something incredibly stupid, or ignore the attached plane ticket as some kind of masochistic self-punishment. Or both. Eiji understands why Ash destroyed himself time and again for his sake, because he would do the exact same for Ash. It was why Eiji never lost his patience before. What Eiji can’t bear is that Ash doesn’t seem to understand that Eiji loves him back. That whatever happens to him in the end, it isn’t Ash’s fault, because he had chosen to follow him. A letter couldn’t convey the depth of Eiji’s feeling, not really.

So here he is, in a taxi speeding through lower Queens, making more trouble for poor Ibe and probably testing the patience of the NYPD as well. He knows he is hurting his parents even more by doing this, and he only hopes they can forgive him. But he won’t leave without Ash. He can’t. He can’t shake the horrible feeling that by writing “We’ll see each other again,” he jinxed it so that they never will. He has to make him come home.

They are passing a familiar park near the library when a gunshot rings through the air. Eiji’s stomach sinks and a cold wave of fear crashes over him.

“S-Stop! Stop the car!” The cab screeches to a halt. Eiji fumbles in his pocket and hands the driver all the crumpled bills he has.

“Now wait a minute, kid, I don’t know what you’re--”

“Thank you, sir, this is close enough. I will go now.” He doesn’t let the driver get in another word before leaping out of the back seat and charging towards the noise, heart thudding in his chest. It can’t be. He can’t be too late. It’s crazy that he’s even running towards a gunshot. It could be anybody, Ash might not even be involved, although this is a fairly nice part of the city, and--

Eiji rounds the corner and his worst fears are confirmed. In the alley straight ahead, Lao, Sing’s older brother, is locked in an embrace of death with a very familiar head of blond hair.

“ _Ash!_ ” The word tears itself from Eiji’s lungs, a helpless, anguished scream. Lao, already facing him, recognizes him immediately and begins staggering away, doubled over in agony as blood gushes from his stomach. It makes Eiji wish for a gun in that moment, even though Lao probably is done for already. He wants to hurt whoever hurt Ash so fiercely that it should scare him. Lao disappears into another dark alley before Eiji can act on his rage. Then Ash sways for a brief second before falling to his knees. Eiji sprints to him, no longer remotely cognizant of his own injuries.

“You missed, idiot,” Ash says, barely above a whisper. “You had me by complete surprise and you still missed my vital spots. Now I gotta die slowly, huh? You good for nothing…”

“Ash? Ash, look at me. Please, Ash, please look at me,” Eiji hears himself begging. Ash slowly turns his head, and his eyes are more distant than Eiji ever remembers seeing them. He holds his gun in one hand, Eiji’s letters in the other. A nasty stab wound is bleeding profusely near his ribs. Eiji immediately presses his hands to the wound, applying pressure.

“Ha, didn’t think I’d lost that much already. ‘M already dreamin, seein your face so soon.” Ash pitches forward, his forehead landing with a thunk on Eiji’s shoulder.

“You’re not dreaming, Ash, I’m here. I’m here, so please don’t say things like that. You are not going to die.” Tears stream down his face, and he has to force the next words past the lump in his throat. “You cannot die, not now, not when you have survived so much. Please, Ash--”

Ash’s gun clatters to the ground as his hand abruptly shoots out to grasp Eiji’s arm tightly. Bracing himself against the other boy, he shakily forces them both to their feet. He exhales through his nose in what under better circumstances might have constituted a snort.

“Even in my dying hallucination I’m making you cry, huh? Figures.” He threatens to tip forward again but Eiji catches him.

“You are not dying and I am not a hallucination, idiot,” he hisses through his tears. He shifts their position so he has one arm wrapped around Ash’s back, supporting him, while the other hand applies pressure to the wound. It doesn’t seem to be doing very much, caked in bright red at this point. Think. He’s got to swallow the panic threatening to consume him and think. 

“I was going to use the ticket, you know. I wasn’t...I didn’t want to leave you, Eiji. I just didn’t know how to--” Ash coughs, a thick, ugly sound, and spits a mouthful of blood on the pavement. “I guess I got lost on the mountain after all. Been caged so long, I don’t think th’ leopard knew what to do with freedom.”

“Shh, shh, now. Don’t try to speak. It will be okay,” Eiji says gently, desperately trying to pull himself together as he squeezes Ash tighter to him. Think. He lowers Ash back to the ground and shrugs off his jacket and then his shirt, ignoring the cold. He tears the cotton t-shirt into strips and wraps them around Ash’s middle as makeshift bandages. He quickly puts his jacket back on, zipping it over his bare chest, remembering with terrible clarity that first day he met Ash, bandaging him the same way. Deja vu, Ash would call it.

“We’re going to have to get you to the hospital. Where is the closest one here?” he asks, once he has finished his rudimentary first aid, helping Ash to shakily stand once more.

“I think…...think there’s one half a mile east. But hospital means cops, can’t. Can’t go.” 

Eiji’s head is spinning. He’s not even sure he knows which direction is east anymore. But he has to try.

“Can you walk at all, Ash? I can try to carry you, but we have to get you to hospital as soon as possible.” He tries to have them take a step forward together, but Ash is worse than dead weight; he’s uncooperative weight.

“No cops. I’m a dead man already, remember? Just……just catchin up to me, ‘s all. Eiji, please. It’s not...I’m not worth you gettin in trouble, you gotta go...Japan.” Something fierce blooms between Eiji’s ribs and in a burst of adrenaline, he starts hauling Ash out of the alley.

“I’m not going to Japan if you aren’t with me, stupid. How many times you try and make me leave, and how many work? Zero. I said that I would stay with you forever. Why can’t you listen?” he huffs. It seems to stun Ash into silence. “Really, Ash. I am already in trouble for leaving Ibe at the airport. Cops do not scare me. You dying...much more scary.”

When Ash doesn’t have a retort to that, Eiji knows something is seriously wrong. He feels a wet chuckle against his shoulder, and looks down to see that Ash’s eyes have fluttered closed. Panic wells up in him once again. When calling his name gets no response, that’s when Eiji begins to scream at the top of his lungs for help. The two of them fall to the ground, finally out of the alley and onto the main street. He cradles Ash in his arms, still screaming bloody murder, too afraid to check for a pulse. Vaguely, he is aware that passerby are starting to gather and surround them, but he still can’t stop. The paramedics have to pry Ash from his arms before he even realizes that they arrived. When they see how he is covered in blood and completely inconsolable, they gingerly load him in the back of the ambulance, too.

The ride to the hospital feels like an eternity, although it really couldn’t have been longer than five minutes. The doctors are rapidly speaking to one another, medical words in English flying too quickly for him to even hope to follow. He catches “heart attack” and his stomach sinks once again as they hook up Ash to some device and look like they’re trying to resuscitate him.

Eiji is not a religious man, but he puts his head down and prays.

After they finally arrive, the doctors take Ash into surgery and tell him that his chances are about one in three. Then they force Eiji to rest instead of further aggravating his own wound. The minute that they leave him unattended, however, he finds a payphone near the waiting area and calls Ibe’s police friend Charlie himself. It’s only a matter of time before they begin questioning him anyway, so it’s better to at least make sure Ibe knows that he’s alright. Charlie can let Max know as well, who might have a way to get in contact with the others. They….have a right to know about Ash.

Time passes. Eiji waits.

At some point, Charlie, Max, and Ibe arrive. Ibe says nothing, just sits down next to him and hugs him fiercely. Eiji is grateful for that. It is more kindness from the man than he deserves. He is vaguely aware of Max whispering something to Charlie before the two men walk to the receptionist’s desk, and then Eiji totally breaks down, his head on Ibe’s shoulder, gripping the older man’s jacket. His sobs quietly wrack his body, unlike in the alley. He buries himself deeper in the comfort of the closest thing he’s had to a father in the past year and a half. Ibe places his hand on the back of his head after a while, a simple gesture of comfort, and Eiji is pretty sure that he is crying, too.

Ash has pulled through worse with far less medical help, he knows. One in three is, is a walk in the park next to the impossible odds Ash has beaten before without batting an eye. What terrifies Eiji is that he has never seen Ash so….not just willing, but determined to die. There was no gun to a friend’s head, like in Golzine’s basement with Shorter. No need to sacrifice himself, no one to sacrifice himself for. And yet he wanted Eiji to leave him, let him die.

Eiji doesn’t know what to do with the conclusion that thought leads him to. He doesn’t think he is able to handle it.

It is seven long, miserable hours later when a nurse informs them that Ash has made it through the critical period and is stable. Max makes a quip about the cat still having a few lives left, and although Eiji isn’t quite sure what he means, he knows that it’s his way of expressing relief. Eiji, for his part, nearly knocks the nurse over, frantically asking her questions about when he can see Ash. Luckily, she seems more amused than offended.

“I normally would have you wait here until he is fully in the clear, but since this is urgent police business….” she says, eyeing Charlie, “I’ll take you to him now. Your boyfriend still won’t be conscious for a while, though, so don’t get too excited.” Eiji knows that he probably should be embarrassed by the nurse’s assumption, he and Ash certainly never put a name to what was brewing between them, but he can’t bring himself to care. Ash is okay. He isn’t going to die today. They’ll both be okay.

And maybe if makes his feelings totally plain, and Ash actually listens to him for once, she won’t be wrong after all.

He feels stupid, then, when he hesitates at the entrance to Ash’s room. He’s scared again, scared that it won’t be real and Ash will have somehow slipped away again. The nurse gives him a strange look before she leaves him to stand there, hand shaking on the handle. He tells himself to stop being a baby and go inside. Golzine is gone, and so is anyone else that would steal him away, so the nurse wouldn’t lie. He’s there.

He makes himself open the door, and then nearly loses his composure again. There Ash is, pale and unconscious in a hospital bed, hooked up to several beeping machines, and looking so utterly small. It isn’t as if Eiji had never seen Ash sleeping before. He’d woken him up countless times, after all. But this is the first time he thinks he’s seen Ash really look his age. Eiji feels like the mother hen that Alex always accused him of being as he brushes away the strands of hair that had fallen in Ash’s face. His golden hair is the only spot of color in the room, and something fierce and tender burrows its way under Eiji’s ribs.

Eiji pulls up a chair next to Ash’s bed and he waits.

*******

For the record, Ash thinks he does a pretty good job of not having a panic attack when he wakes up to harsh fluorescent lighting and an unfamiliar location. He can’t help the involuntary tensing of his muscles, but he swallows the immediate impulse to scream and instead turns to the calculated caution that he has trained himself in. No restraints, door visible, smell of disinfectant. He is in a hospital. Not some dingey backroom of Golzine’s (he’s dead, you watched the bastard fall and burn). He struggles to sit up--well, he’s definitely taken a large hit. They’ve got him sufficiently doped up so that he’s mostly numb, but also can’t bail right this second. His head falls back to the pillow and from the corner of his eye, he realizes far too late that he is not alone.

Eiji Okumura, who should not be in the same continent, let alone the same hospital room, is fast asleep in a wooden chair, head tipped backwards against the wall. He looks, frankly, a mess, although Ash can’t imagine he’s faring much better. His hair is sticking up in every direction, his face blotchy, circles underneath his eyes.

Ash’s fingers itch for something other than a trigger, like they only ever do around Eiji. He itches with the ridiculous urge to pull the other boy close and tuck him in so he can sleep properly. It is an itch he does not scratch, because Ash Lynx has never been gentle in his life and does not know how he would even start.

He remembers suddenly a warm, solid weight holding him up in an alley, pleading with him to stay alive. Lao’s face twisted in a snarl, settling a score that had already been forgiven. The pointlessness of it all, in thinking he could escape. His choice to let Eiji go.

“But I should’ve known you were too stubborn to let that happen, huh?” His voice sounds hoarse, too loud in the almost silent room and he winces. He watches with something akin to wonder as Eiji’s eyes flutter open and immediately fix upon him. Eiji always was the lighter sleeper, he muses.

“ _Ash,_ ” Eiji breathes, like it’s a holy word on his lips. “You’re awake.” The utter relief in his tone makes it sound like he thought he never would be. Revulsion in himself snakes its way through Ash’s guts. He’s managed to put Eiji through hell once again, hasn’t he?

“So it seems.”

Silence stretches between them, and Ash can’t fucking stand the reverent way that Eiji is looking at him. He wishes that he would scream at him, hit him, call him out for being a coward, _something_. Instead of just sitting there, giving him space and still being so goddamn considerate--

“Did you get lost on your way to the airport, little bird?” Ash’s voice comes out cold and cruel. Eiji’s expression flickers, and Ash hates himself for feeling a second of satisfaction.

“No,” Eiji says slowly, like he is testing the waters. “I arrived early. But I….could not leave.”

“Why? It’s over. You saw Banana Fish through. Your family must be waiting.”

“Yes, they are, but that’s not the point--” Eiji’s frustration is finally showing through, and Ash knows he should stop pushing him, but--

“Isn’t it? Go home, Eiji.” Go home and let me face the consequences of my actions, he doesn’t say.

“I wasn’t going to ask for ‘thank you’, but really--”

“Good, because you aren’t going to get one.” He swallows the bile that fills his mouth at those words.

Eiji stands abruptly. “Jackass. How come you want to die so bad? How come you tell me that you didn’t want to leave me, then you try so hard to make me go?” The words sting, and this is what Ash wanted, but now he’s struggling to come up with an answer. However, Eiji isn’t finished. “How come you still think you still have something to, to prove by dying now?” He is crying again, now, and Ash’s heart can’t take it any longer. He wishes he knew how to be gentle.

“Jesus, Eiji, I don’t think I thought about it particularly hard. I was delirious, I only half remember it all now.”

“Liar. I have seen you fight while blind and nearly starved to death. You chose to….” he breaks off, and Ash closes his eyes to await his judgement. “To deny yourself the chance at happiness.” Ash opens his eyes just as quickly as he closed them. That wasn’t the choice of words he was expecting. But Eiji always had a way of cutting past his bullshit.

“Why didn’t you get on the plane? When Sing gave me that letter, I thought that was going to be….it.” He’s deflecting again, but all the ice in his tone is gone. He can’t fight Eiji.

“I turned and came back because I knew, I felt….something bad coming. I had the instinct I needed to protect you. I can’t explain it. I just knew,” he says, sitting back down and pleading again. He winces a bit as his hand goes to his side. _His fault_. Ash knows he has to be in more pain than he is letting on. Ash looks away, fighting back tears of his own and desperately failing.

“I’m sorry.” I’m sorry for failing you, he doesn’t say. “I’m sorry for being so weak.”

“Ash,” Eiji says, with such softness even now, “I was not asking for an apology, either. I just….I only want you to understand. The rest does not matter, not really, because you are still here. That is what matters.” Ash stares into Eiji’s brown eyes that are so patient, so kind, and he thinks for the millionth time that he does not deserve this. But he also thinks that he owes it to Eiji to at least try not to be such a stubborn asshole.

“Help me. Help me understand,” Ash whispers, eyes searching.

Eiji reaches out incredibly slowly, giving Ash ample time to see what he is doing and tell him to stop. He cups Ash’s cheek so carefully, as if he is an illusion that will shatter when touched. Ash thinks he might if Eiji keeps handling him so gently.

“You are not a burden to me, Ash. You are not holding me back from a happy life. I came to America because I was not happy. It is such a small problem next to yours, true, but I felt like….nothing I do matters much. I am not so important. I am nineteen with no purpose, and that is a big disappointment in Japan.

“Then, I come here, and I meet you. You save me. And I know where I belong.” Eiji brushes away the tear running down Ash’s cheek with his thumb, lighter than a feather. He smiles, slow and sweet, and this really is too much for Ash’s heart to take.

“We belong to different worlds. Even when that bastard Dino is dead and gone, I’m not free. There’s always going to be someone ready to knife me in the back. I’m...I’m never going to find a way off this mountain. I _want_ to, Eiji. I want to more than you know. But I don’t see how I can without...without the next asshole trying to get to me stabbing you instead.” He pointedly avoids looking at Eiji’s own injured side. He isn’t trying to argue, or push Eiji away. He really is trying to understand.

“Oh, Ash,” he whispers, so sad again, “Why can’t you see you’re putting me in the same place? I can’t spend my life an ocean away worrying….waiting….I want to make you safe, too. That’s why I gave you the plane ticket. Why I came back.” His hand moves to card through Ash’s hair. It is a soothing motion, and Ash unconsciously leans into it. 

And that was their way, wasn’t it? Against his better judgement, when it came down to it, he let Eiji in every single time. Despite his shame and disgust at his own selfishness, he does it every time.

He remembers Jennifer, the girl he might have loved when he was fourteen. He doesn’t think that he’ll ever get her screams out of his head. He remembers telling Eiji about her, warning him. _I can’t love anyone, or they’ll pay the price for it._ He remembers the sad look on Eiji’s face, but the funny thing is, he doesn’t remember him being afraid. The worse the danger, the more stubborn Eiji got. To the point where he would, well. Go and save his life when Ash had every intention of making things easier for him by dying. He supposes he can’t let someone go who won’t leave.

Jennifer had brown eyes, too. Ash wonders if, somewhere deep down, he has a type.

“That’s what you do when you love somebody. You keep them safe,” Eiji says, and smiles his sad, sweet smile. He pulls back. “I’m sorry. I’m….I’m pushing too much.”

Ash grabs his wrist.

No, if it was anyone else, then it would probably be too much. Intimacy is a foreign concept to Ash, who has only known force and greed in another man’s touch. But Eiji, from the moment they met, has always been different. He is kind, impossibly so. Ash is still not sure if he….there are going to be times when even Eiji will be too much, probably. But right now is….okay.

Eiji gives; Ash takes. All of his patience, compassion, affection.That is the general order of things. For Ash is not gentle. He is a wildcat, a predator in his own right. He takes, and Eiji waits.

It is time for him to stop being selfish. Denying himself means denying Eiji, too.

Ash grabs Eiji’s wrist with one hand and the back of his neck with the other, pulling him close. Eiji makes a high-pitched sound, closer to a yelp than a gasp. He threads his fingers through soft black hair. He is making Eiji’s hair stick up even worse, he realizes. It’s cute.

Ash pulls Eiji down the last couple inches and kisses him. It’s pretty chaste, just lips pressed together for a few seconds, especially compared to what was technically their first kiss. Ash feels his heart racing like a teenager anyway. He breaks away first and Eiji starts to follow his mouth for a second subconsciously. He presses his forehead to Eiji’s, grinning despite himself.

“Hmm. Is that how Ash Lynx says, ‘I love you too’?” Eiji says, already teasing. Fuck, Ash is smitten.

“Shut up,” he grumbles. Eiji leans back slightly, enough for Ash to see the mischievous glint in his eye, and he knows he is well and truly fucked.

“Make me,” Eiji whispers back.

Ash is never one to back down from a challenge.

**Author's Note:**

> max waiting outside the room as these idiots make out with one another: can i see my son can i PLEASE see my son
> 
> hope you enjoyed! ever since reading banana fish i could not find peace until i addressed and rewrote that bullshit ending. follow me on tumblr and feel free to chat w me about banana fish @lesbiantsuyuu


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